Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
