sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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