who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize