my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
