The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize