apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We got so high we made milksteak
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
