the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
