I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
