Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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