I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
