I accidentally had phone sex last night
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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