road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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