I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize