im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
