Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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