It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
