last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
