dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
