She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
