I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Say something about gay babies.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Randomize
