I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
