Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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