I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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