i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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