dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
