you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The beer is more important than you right now.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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