GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
