So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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