You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
