who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Pants are for mortals
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
