I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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