so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
they need to just BURY HIM!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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