My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
