I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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