quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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