haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
