Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
