I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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