And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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