it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
