Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
