Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
