I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
