I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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