I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
