I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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