I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize