he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
