If that was your dad, he is hot
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
