i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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