Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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