The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My liver just broke up with me...
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
