There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
we're making bets on your personal life
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
