my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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