I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
zippers are such a cool invention
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize