32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
