there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
