Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
