Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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