Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize