I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Sober January is a disaster.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
